Maybe I’m being melodramatic.
I don’t care. I think that I’m allowed.
As I told a friend this evening, “I’m thinking the worst, but hoping for the best”.
(I can’t believe that I’m actually hoping for kidney stones!)
I just took Hydrocodone, left over from my previous surgeries, to see if that might help, because the regular pain reliever we have in our cabinet did absolutely nothing for me this afternoon when my daughter needed me to take her shopping for school supplies.
As I shuffled into Target with her, squinting against lights that seemed to be making the myriad colors of signs and boxes and fabrics and plastic scream, I was trying to think of how I could possibly describe the pain I was having across my lower back.
It wasn’t a shooting pain. Not sharp.
I felt extremely….funky. It was an all over discomfort. Like a low, radiating, buzz.
In fact, I felt buzzed. Buzzed without booze. Not a happy buzz; more like a low, sonic, pressurized, radiating, wave of…
Hold on a minute!! That was it! I found myself thinking – I feel like I did when I went into labor!
I didn’t want to keep my eyes open.
My eyesight has gotten so much worse recently and combined with this bizarre lightheadedness and achy pressure that was at the moment weakening my limbs, it really did make me feel drunk. And I probably looked like I was drunk.
The lights felt too bright.
Keeping up any sort of banter with my girl, answering any of her anxious questions about what sort of paper do they want her to get, should she go with these post-it notes, or those? was nearly impossible. Thinking about anything was drowned out by the incredible need to just stand still and ride out the wave of discomfort.
I turned the cart to go down one aisle, damn it felt heavier than usual, and pow! there was a shot of pure pain through my spine. My ears almost hummed with the tingle of it. I just told my kid to get whatever she thought was best – I was just going to stand in one place and wait. And then came…the hot flash. Beautiful.
I really was not entirely convinced I was going to make it out of that store without passing out.
But, we made it.
Each day that goes by in which I feel physically worse, makes me anxious about waiting to find out what’s going on. Even if it turns out to be “nothing”; as everyone keeps reassuring me.
So. No. I am not a happy camper. I am not feeling positive. I’m feeling pretty bitchy to be honest.
Weird how your body can affect your mindset that way. Sometimes it just manages to yell so loudly it drowns out every positive thought you can muster.
And that’s how today has gone.