Just ran across something that I wrote on September 13, 2016. It’s a diary of almost every thought that went through my head on that date. I think I was trying to get a grasp of how my mind functioned in a typical day.
“Need to get new iron. Need to get gas. Need to pick up film. Need to clean out the fridge and go to the grocery store. But first need to make inventory and check online for coupons. Need to scrape paint off everything! (The previous owners of our house did a LOUSY job of painting! Every surface seems to be peeling!) Eeyore (one of our dogs) needs Heart worm treatment. We all need eye doctor appointments. Need to make arrangements for Z’s birthday! And then call Mom back! Need to start making weekly & monthly goals to focus on priorities like making money! With studio, blog, etc.!! Need to get it up and running!! Especially before holidays! Need to look up how to clean garden tools, how to tell if dry beans have gone bad, if bleach is really necessary to kill germs in laundry – especially when it’s being washed in hot water.
What happens to your body when you go without showering for more than two days ?(remembering article I saw and meant to read). Need to read those books on how the computer works. I’m too tech illiterate. Hating how stupid it makes me feel and how it handicaps me in so many ways. Really need to take dogs for walks!!
Need to get moving. What should I clean first before plumber gets here? Floors, guest bath where he’ll be working. What do I do with dogs while he’s here? Really need to train them to behave better! Need to weed front garden. Need to edge lawn. J. needs to show me how that damn weed eater works!! Seems we can never get one that works properly, doesn’t break! Need to mop!! Clean bathrooms!! Clean dining table and get all those papers under control! Really need to establish some sort of routine!!
Stop writing and get moving! NO COMPUTER!! Have to leave at 3 to pick up boys from school. Need to get back into gym. Need to get blood work done before I meet with Dr. G. again. Should I quit drinking so much coffee??
Fish Oil tablets – need to get some. Need to get back into gym. Need to make more coffee. Shit!! Stop! Move it!! Wasting time!!
Wonder when I’ll hear back from that person who contacted me about genealogy? Stop! Go! Clean up before he (the plumber) gets here! Or you’ll be standing here writing ALL DAY!! (which is why it’s hard for me to blog because I’m always afraid I’ll be in front of the computer all day. Need I remind myself I already tend to do that with Facebook and Lumosity. No wonder I’m such a mess…) Not like I don’t have a million things that need doing!!
Plumber’s gonna get here and I’ll be embarrassed about the house. Random anxious thought: “What if he attacks me because I’m alone?!?” Hello – we have 5 (count ’em, FIVE!!) dogs!! Get a grip! You’ve watched too much TV in your lifetime. Too many bad and scary stories. STOP.
When am I gonna get around to organizing Mom and Dad’s photos like I said – promised! – I would. I can tell Mom feels resigned that it won’t be for awhile. Doesn’t believe me when I say I will. Sad that I can’t blame her. When am I gonna organize our own?? The stuff on the computer needs help too! Thousands of pics!! Society…. All these pictures now in digital memory… Can’t even fathom the numbers…
Maybe I should just walk around with voice memo turned on so I don’t lose an idea?? or just to see where my mind goes??…
What if it was a mistake to submit a sample to the genetic testing site?? Or answer their research questions? What if there’s repercussions in the future? Thinking of sci-fi stories/movies… Might make an interesting story or post. Gotta think more about this later. I’VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING AROUND HERE!!
Not gonna answer the landline. Always some damn telemarketer. How much longer does Greta (one of our cats) have?? 😦
Eeyore needs Heartworm treatment.
Go vacuum, dammit!
Is this thought pattern typical of most people? Is it normal? Mind goes from big topics to truly little mundane ones….Dusting to Death to Politics to Groceries to….. ALL DAY LONG.
Been wondering why I’m pretty much in the same place I was 15 years ago…Minus boobs and ovaries!
Oh, yeah, there’s THAT.
Which makes me go on another tangent! Back to THIS one!: Brother-in-law said, “You’ll be in the same place 5 years from now”. Arrogant asshole he was then. Better now because he’s pretty much happier now. But dammit, 15 years later and STILL facing same issues!!
Except I know now that I most definitely don’t want to die. Or feel like dying. I want to live!
But IS THIS LIVING????
Back to the same questions I’ve had most my life. So I need to figure out what’s been keeping me back. ADD diagnosis explains a LOT from back when….
SHIT – writing again when I need to CLEAN…which is part of my 15 year block!!
Why, WHY, can’t males put things in trash cans?? Really?? Band-aid strip covers all over guest bath floor – thanks to my son.
My son. What am I going to do to help my son???
Really want to replace the crusty old fixtures in the guest bath. Shit. Really want to completely update and fix all the bathrooms but we’re in debt!!
And WTH are we doing planning for ANY kind of vacation for next summer?? We are essentially BROKE. Seriously. When you are in debt, you are POOR!! YOU HAVE NO MONEY!!
Should I get Greta more intravenous fluids?? At this point will it really make a difference for her? I feel bad looking at her. Poor girl. But she’s lived a long time. Love that cat. Should have continued fluids? She hates getting poked with that needle…
Looking at sagging-in-the-middle, beaten up, outdated kitchen…So many things need to be fixed in this house. Doors. Floors down to concrete now. Thanks to herd of dogs and cats. Paint peeling on all the cabinets too easily – way too easily! Mad at previous owners now.
Wow. I actually can get a lot of stuff done when I get moving! I remember one blogger who said “motivation follows movement” was her motto when she felt especially stuck. Yes. Nike’s “Just Do It”, Shia LeBoeuf’s “Just Do It!” Clichéd or whatever, there may actually be some science behind it. Once I started physically moving around , I somehow managed to take care of several things around the house. My brain quit running around all over the place and just thought about the task at hand. I’ve always been able to tolerate repetitive tasks; like, sorting, creating or finding patterns, knitting, doing one component of a project over and over, pulling weeds… It seems like it calms my mind down somehow. I really need to get back into that whole “mindfulness” thing that Dr. C. introduced me to. I wish I could teach it to the rest of my family. Would help if I practiced it more first, right?
But, once I sit for a moment, like now, I look around and run into wondering if it only FEELS like I got a lot done?? Was it really a lot for the amount of time it took?? 11:30 to 12:48 – what did I do?? Cleaned computers and dining and kitchen tables, vacuumed kitchen and laundry room, washed and dried 2 wine glasses, scooped cat litter, mopped kitchen and laundry room, wiped down washing machine and dryer – something had been spilled or splashed on the doors. Wait – I did do stuff before plumber got here – so 10:00 until 11:30 cleaned guest bathroom, washed 2 loads of cat beds, vacuumed living room, loaded dishwasher, took out recycling, took stuff to studio that belonged out there. Is that really “a lot”??
And now, of course, I feel like kicking back because things look “better” and look…The plumber has left! Woohoo!! New shiny clean toilet!!! Still have 2 more to replace. Sigh.
On a roll. Need to keep going.
Need to look up if Borax powder is harmful to plants. Also, if one can mix Borax with Vinegar? Lots of plant pots and need to clean out so I can finally plant in them. Too many plants on patio that are suffering right now. Really need to walk dogs. But it’s so damn hot outside!! Can’t believe that so many people still don’t believe that our planet is in serious trouble!! What is it going to be like for my grandchildren? I sometimes think that I should just tell my kids NOT to have kids in the future because I envision even worse misery. In which case, I probably don’t need to save any of their baby stuff. Phooey.
Need to redo flower bed in back. Get cinder blocks instead and move those moss rocks to the front.
Can’t I call it a day and go do something more interesting?? Or am I using all this as an excuse to avoid doing the things that I keep saying I really want to do? ( Why would I do that?) Or do I just not really want to do them? I’m confused now! Shit! Need to get gas before 3 p.m.!
Fuck going to the grocery store. I’m so tired of running errands. I just really want a day or two in which I don’t have to go anywhere, get interrupted, see anyone….
But what will I make for dinner?
Looks like it might rain.
Can’t think that way again….
Have I become the classic bored housewife??
Lots of people tell me I should get work now that the kids are older. But there’s lots of reasons that I don’t really want to do that: 1) I actually DON’T enjoy working with or servicing others (unless it’s actually work that provides something immediately to someone in a really dire situation – like the homeless, the poor, the abused, the disadvantaged…) I probably should have gone into social work all those years ago in college. What stopped me? Oh, yeah. Depression. Low self-esteem. Feeling worthless and stupid. Not feeling qualified at all.
Makes me think about my meltdown yesterday and thoughts about how I’m still feeling “un-credentialed”….at 50!! For instance, Mom and old issues with her. Too much in my head again. Have always been. As far back as I can remember. No wonder I don’t get stuff done. It’s so crowded in here it’s hard as hell to find my way out!!
It’s like there’s all these folders in my head and you open one and there are more sub-folders and these have their own….I can only imagine that everyone’s mind works this way? And what’s with this compulsion to spit my thoughts out everywhere? I’ve always felt it.
Man, I’d really like to make a painting of these clouds.
Crap! I have thoughts even as I write these thoughts!
Muddled mind. Crammed mind. Has always bugged me, annoyed me. At some point, it always gets to overload and a grey steel wall slams closed down.
Tell me – do we all jump from thought to thought like this?
Just stopped to fill tank up with gas on way to get boys and I was approached by little middle-eastern ? man with head closely shaved, wearing blue jacket, earphones hanging from sides of his head, shorts, clean white socks, tennis shoes, holding a bottle out towards me. At first didn’t hear him say “for you” like a sommelier presenting a bottle of wine. “Excuse me?” He says it again. Very seriously. Find myself blurting “I don’t want it”, then “Thank you though!”. Weird that he didn’t offer it to the white haired lady who got off the bus. Wonder what’s going on in his mind? Further on, wondering what that yellow police pylon was doing in the middle of the road between lanes on neighborhood street? Shouldn’t text OR write while driving! Behind a student driver – Z is going to be driving soon too!
Mr. Robot – talks to “You” – Just realized I’ve always done that too. Love this song – The Church “Under the Milky Way”. Do we all talk to “You”? Do we all have a “You” in our heads? Am I going to get there on time? Who am I talking to, writing all this down, scribbling away? Am I only one who analyzes their thoughts once they start paying close attention to them? Can’t be. Is this “navel gazing”? Yeah. Pretty much. More like “noggin gazing” though. Stupid.
Don’t think I’ve ever heard this Ramones song: “Howling at the Moon”. People called them Punk, but they only looked that way to me. They sounded – I’m going to be vilified here – more like 50’s doo-wop reworked. C’mon! “Sha-la-la-la-la”?! “Oh baby! Oh baby!” ?
Yay! “Burning Down the House” now! Much better. But flashes me back to basement store of my UWMadison dorm building. Room mate and I in the aisles dancing around underneath neon cigarette signs. Heads bobbing.
Thoroughly enjoy talking politics with kids. They are far more civilized about it than adults.
Ahh. So nice to walk back into a clean tidy home – too bad that it’s only part of the house. Facing the dreaded bathrooms – UGH.
Weird. Since coming home my mind has been so much quieter. Granted, I vegged out a bit playing Lumosity games. The other hour was spent focusing solely on searching places to consider for Z’s birthday brunch. Got hungry. Went to kitchen and pulled my salad out of the fridge and thought of nothing else but eating it. And calling my mom back since she left me a text. And really nothing else. Like all the workers went home for the day and closed up shop. Just doing what I’m doing in the moment. Eating. Looking out the window. Hearing Louis C.K. on J’s iPad and son playing a video game on the TV. Watching the sun set and birds fly across the sky.
Still need to clean bathrooms. Feeling strong urge for a glass of wine. Fighting it because I think part of the reason I was crying at the drop of a pin was because I was approaching the limit of wine intake and it was messing with my meds.
Fed dogs. Fed cats. Got J. to help me with the computer. Now getting caught up with scanning old family photos onto computer. (Did this and Ancestry.com tree until 3 a.m. with breaks for scooping litter and doing dishes).”
Making yourself write down every thought throughout the day actually seems to slow your thoughts down. Sort of.
Some practice “stream of consciousness” writing. I mean, I suppose that’s what this was….I can’t fathom sitting down and doing it as a regular practice though because it seems like it would be too hard to keep up pace! Just writing and writing and writing…… scurrying and scurrying to catch every thought. And when I’m faced with doing something as an “assignment”, like this, with the overwhelming task of capturing EVERY thought in writing, my mind can often just go deer-in-the-headlights blank.
Probably why I’m not a writer.
Like I’d wanted to be every since I was twelve.
Probably why I’m not an artist….
Like I’ve also always wanted to be.
Too many thoughts, too many ideas, too much jumping around in my brain, too much conditioning to be a “responsible daughter, friend, wife, mother, woman, adult”, too much that overwhelms until I just freeze. And have a breakdown.
And start all over again.